Previously, on Avengers of Avenging:
Click here for the Week 1 Recap.
Check out the Week 2 Recap over here.

 

“Sometimes, life is like the second season of Friday Night Lights, you gotta push through and hope there’s better stuff ahead.” – Princess Carolyn

Would a victory this week fill the hole inside?
Would that make you love me?
Let’s find out!

 

Week 3 Stories:

• Jon Gruden needs a good pass rusher, anybody know one?
• Patrick Mahomes continues to do Patrick Mahomes things. 
• Handsome Jimmy G is down with what is believed to be an ACL tear and possibly some MCL damage as well. Bad news for him, and Niner fans. The only silver lining? We can now make lots of CJ Beathard puns. 
• The Baker Mayfield era has begun in Cleveland? Also, it appears the Cardinals are turning the keys over to Sam Rosen.
• Another week, another questionable roughing the passer penalty. Did Clay Matthews pee in someone’s cornflakes?
• Speaking of the Packers, what an ugly game against that Washington team. Just how many times can you expect a one legged Rodgers to put you on his back? Lots of ugly penalties and dropped passes…. 
• …But still not as ugly as the Vikings getting shelled in their own stadium. Bwahahaha. BY GAWD, THAT’S JOSH ALLEN’S MUSIC!
• Jets are the “first” team to be linked to interest in Le’Veon Bell. 

 

The Matchups:

Nyet Russian Bots vs Dave’s Dandy Team:

Painful Start:
Nyet Russian Bots trusted Amari Cooper a bit too much this week, receiving a painful 2 catches for 17 yards.

Brutal Benching:
Mike Williams provided 81 yards and 2 touchdowns for the Bots this week, leaving 22 points on the bench.

Reverse Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Exactly what it sounds like. One of your players has returned from injury!
Welcome back to Carson Wentz in his first game back from a torn ACL. Dave’s Dandy Team was wise to give him a seat on the bench this week, snagging 15 points from Joe Flacco instead.

“Nice Kicker You Got There, Vikings” Pick of the Week:
Now, before you jump in here with your facts. Yes, Dan Bailey is a historic kicker. Yes, Sunday’s performance was not his fault. That said, it was a little silly to hear stories about how the Super Bowl contenders had possibly added the final piece they needed, right before they got their pants pulled down by Buffalo and he attempted exactly 0 kicks.  *I will revisit this joke in several weeks if Bailey makes or breaks their season*

Result:
Nyet Russian Bots says “Yes!” to a 3-0 record and 1st place in the league. Won’t anyone do anything about this?!
Dave’s Dandy Team descends to a dreaded 1-2.

 

Assume the Position vs The Brice is Right:

Painful Start:
Nick Boyle’s 0.70 points for The Brice is Right. Who the hell is Nick Boyle??

Brutal Benching:
Time (and karma) will eventually catch up with Adrian Peterson, but it didn’t this week. Unfortunately, his 24 bench points couldn’t help The Brice is Right.

Stroke of Genius?:
The Brice is Right’s crystal ball must have predicted a Saints/Falcons shootout this week, to the tune of 40 points from Matt Ryan. 

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
AJ Green scored 8 points for Assume the Position before leaving with a groin injury. The only position he’ll be assuming for the time being is holding a bag of ice on his junk. Come back soon, sir.

“Never Listen to DT” Pick of the Week:
After two weeks of being mocked for playing Jamison Crowder (or just ignoring the commish and simply not wanting the same 4 points every week), Assume the Position placed him on the bench. Just in time for Crowder to tally 12 points. 

Result:
Assume the Position shrinks to 1-2.
The Brice is Right rises to 2-1.

 

Fly Eagles Fly vs Joski’s Yoskis:

Painful Start:
It’s a tie this week. On the Fly Eagles Fly side of the ball, Keenan Allen (3.9) and Kenyan Drake (2) both delivered some stinkers. Meanwhile, in the land of Joski’s Yoskis,  a surprisingly underused Chris Thompson got 2 points and undrafted sensation Phillip Lindsay (2) got ejected for throwing some hands/arms in a scrum.

“Ryan Fitzpatrick Went to Harvard” Pick of the Week:
Did you know this? Have you heard about this? Anyway, even though he couldn’t complete the comeback against the Steelers, Fitzpatrick continues his fantasy streak with 28 points and the W for Joski’s Yoskis.

 

 Result:
Fly Eagles Fly floats down to 2-1.
Joski’s Yoskis advance to 2-1.

Ninja Bitsy vs Slap and Pickle:

Painful Start:
I’m tired of mocking Slap and Pickle for never changing his lineup. Is Week 3 the earliest anyone has ever abandoned their team? Instead, this week’s award goes to Ninja Bitsy for the 3 point clunker from Stefon Diggs.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
I lied. Jay Ajayi’s injured back had this award in the bag for Slap and Pickle. Evan Engram is also week to week with an MCL sprain. 

“Welcome Back, Jordy” Pick of the Week:
Finding out that Jordy reads this blog is the best news I’ve received this season. Just a week after expressing my disappointment in his usage so far, he turns in a surprise 26 point performance for Ninja Bitsy. Congrats, buddy!

“NFL’s All-Time Completions Leader” Pick of the Week:
Congrats to Ninja Bitsy‘s Drew Brees for passing Brett Favre’s record of most completions. 40 fantasy points wasn’t bad, either.

Result:
Ninja Bitsy dices Pickle and reaches a 3-0 record and 2nd place in the league.
Slap and Pickle  heads to 1-2. Gross, just like pickles.

 

Deep State Dynamos vs Waterboys:

 

Painful Start:
Deep State Dynamos got a whole 0.80 from D.J. Moore, while Waterboys counted on Touchdown Tom but was stung for 8.5 points.

Brutal Benching:
Tyler Boyd left 22 points on the bench for the Dynamos. 2 good weeks in a row for Boyd suggest that Andy Dalton is learning he has other receivers not named Green.

Stroke of Genius?:
Dynamos rolled with Carlos Hyde despite a tough matchup against the Jets and obtained a 23 point performance as a result. Likewise, Waterboys called up Robert Woods for a whopping 28 point day.

“What Do You Have Against Guys Named Williams?” Pick of the Week:
Deep State Dynamos has two players named Williams and benched them both. They both sucked. Conspiracy? I don’t see why not.

Result:
Deep State Dynamos are exploring the depths of 1-2 and 12th place.
Waterboys wins a close one but enjoys a quality glass of H2O and 5th place.

 

You’ve Been SACed vs Bligh’s Gonna Cry:

Painful Start:
Duke. Johnson. Jr. Tommy, can you hear me?

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
As mentioned earlier, Jimmy Garoppolo is done for the season. He’s had officially 10 starts.

“Who is Jaylen Samuels?” Pick of the Week:
You’ve Been SACed continues to roster this man. I’m sure he’s a fine human being but I can’t say for certain he’s seen the field this season. I know this is a deep league but c’mon now.

Result:
You’ve Been SACed sacks her way to 2-1 and 4th place.
Bligh’s Gonna Cry loses a squeaker and is now 0-3.

Tunnel Snakes vs Wookiee Samurai:

Painful Start:
We knew Desean Jackson would have a rough game eventually, but last night he should have had a punt return for a TD that was called back by a holding penalty.

Brutal Benching:
Does it count as a brutal benching if I picked the guy up from waivers the day of the game and just didn’t start him? It does? Fine. Calvin Ridley turned in a 3 TD, 37 point game that will probably never happen again. And I missed it. Are you happy??

“The Battle of 0-2” Pick of the Week:
There was no way around it, one of these teams was going to get their first win this week. Hats off to Wookiee Samurai for a strong performance but this week goes to Tunnel Snakes. They must have heard I was planning to cut all of them and field a fantasy team of CFL athletes.

Result:
Tunnel Snakes slither to 1-2 and 8th place.
Wookie Samurai brings up the rear at 0-3.

Week 3 is in the books. By now you should have a decent idea of how your team is performing and which areas need improvement…if any. Start working those trade lines!