With Week 4 of the season, bye weeks have begun! This is a great chance for you to steal a couple wins while your opponents have to bench their studs. On the other hand, you might end up dropping a couple games yourself. In the end, it’s all about how well you drafted and how much importance you place on such things. If your team is a juggernaut and you’ve been lucky with injuries, who cares about dropping a game in the early parts of the season? Still, you might be kicking yourself later if you barely miss the playoffs. Whatever happens, may the gods be ever in your favor or some shit.
*Editor’s Note: I hate having to rewrite this on Tuesday morning. Settle your match-ups on Sunday, damn it!*
Week 4 Stories:
- If you are going to celebrate the highs, you must also acknowledge the lows. The magic has appeared to run out for Ryan Fitzpatrick. After a dismal offensive performance, including several turnovers, Jameis Winston was given the keys. Although he contributed a turnover himself, Winston and Cameron Brate also contributed the team’s only touchdown. Winston appears to be the man going forward after the bye. Oh, and the Bucs may have lost tight end O.J. Howard for a bit due to a MCL sprain.
- In another story from the same game, Bears QB Mitchell Trubisky threw for 6 TDs, making him the first Bears QB to throw 6 in a single game in the Super Bowl era. Congrats but knock it off, asshole. #TheBearsStillSuck
- The Bills appear to be who we thought they were. Just a week after dismantling the Vikings in Minnesota, they failed to put up any points against a questionable Packers defense in Green Bay. Josh Allen was sacked 7 times. Despite the win, Aaron Rodgers was not happy with the team’s offense and took a few shots at the game plan during his post-game interview.
- Seattle’s Earl Thomas, subject of numerous trade rumors, went down with a broken leg against Arizona. He appeared to give a middle finger gesture to the Seattle sideline as he was carted off the field, which Pete Carroll amazingly didn’t see and couldn’t possibly comment on. Once again, don’t expect Le’Veon Bell to return anytime soon.
- New England’s Julian Edelman and New Orleans’ Mark Ingram are due back from suspension in Week 5. I’m sure the Patriots will be grateful for another receiver, but the Saints seem to be doing just fine with Alvin Kamara at RB.
Nyet Russian Bots vs Fly Eagles Fly
This week’s honor is split between Nyet Russian Bots (Mike Williams) and Fly Eagles Fly (Kenyan Drake). Everybody has a bad game now and then, which I assume is the reason for Williams’ performance. As far as Drake is concerned, I’m not really sure what’s going on there. That’s two bizarre performances in a row for him. Unless Miami expects to ride Frank Gore for the rest of the season, that is a situation that needs addressing.
Amari Cooper left 22 points on the bench for the Bots this week. I don’t envy the headache at running back for Fly Eagles Fly this season. Anyone who started Leonard Fournette this week suffered a blow when TJ Yeldon took over in the second quarter. Fly Eagles Fly has them both and benched them both, including the 21 points from Yeldon. Oh yeah, and Derek Carr scored 33 points. Rough.
“By gawd, that’s Mark Ingram’s music!” Pick of the Week:
Will this be the last week of dominating fantasy performances from Alvin Kamara, with Mark Ingram due back from suspension? No, not really. We can only hope he snatches some goal line looks away from Nyet Russian Bots.
Nyet Russian Bots moves to 4-0, this is getting re-goddamn-diculous!
Fly Eagles Fly builds a nest at 2-2.
Assume the Position vs Bligh’s Gonna Cry
Thanks for the one rushing yard, Ted Ginn Jr. I’m sure Bligh’s Gonna Cry appreciates it very much. Meanwhile, Assume the Position relied on Miami this week. Unfortunately, they (Jakeem Grant, Albert Wilson, Miami DEF) couldn’t get the job done against New England.
Bligh’s Gonna Cry specifically picked up the Packers defense this week to roll out against the Bills. Then he forgot to plug them into his starting lineup. 22 points go to waste. 😦
“WTF, Vikings” Pick of the Week:
I refuse to research this, but was any team defense taken as early in fantasy drafts as Minnesota’s this season and been so utterly disappointing? Only one double digit score in 4 weeks, and one -3! Assume the Position made the right call sitting them this week.
Assume the Position drops to 1-3.
Bligh’s Gonna Cry snags his first win and moves to 1-3.
Dave’s Dandy Team vs Ninja Bitsy
Ninja Bitsy takes this week’s prize with the 8 points from Drew Brees. I didn’t watch the game so I don’t know what the story was here. Rotoworld says the Saints removed Brees in the red zone a couple times and replaced him with a gadget QB. I don’t know. Who cares?
Nothing to see here. I’m not going to blame Dave’s Dandy Team for not trusting Alshon Jeffery in his first game back after injuring his shoulder. (I did have to start Jeffery in my 16 team league because I was desperate, but that’s another story) I’m also not going to blame Ninja Bitsy for benching Marcus Mariota and his 31 points. He’s been injured and not exactly inspiring from a fantasy perspective thus far.
“Welcome back, Kotter” Pick of the Week:
Congrats to Dave’s Dandy Team on the return of Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, Josh Gordon, and (soon) Mark Ingram. Your bench doesn’t look nearly as brutal now. Let’s see what you do with it…
Ninja Bitsy advances as the 2nd undefeated team at 4-0.
Dave’s Dandy Team drops to a disturbing 1-3.
Joski’s Yoskis vs The Brice is Right
Ryan Fitzpatrick fell off this week to the tune of 4 fantasy points for Joski’s Yoskis. Goodnight, sweet prince. Keelan Cole has the talent but that Jacksonville offense is too unpredictable, thus his 2.5 points for The Brice is Right. Lamar Miller didn’t get the job done against Indianapolis this week, contributing just 4.9 points to Brice’s squad.
Andrew Luck blew up for 35 points on Joski’s bench. I’m hoping this game is a sign that Luck’s arm strength is returning. That said, he attempted 62 pass attempts and that is just not sustainable. Dede Westbrook was the man for Jacksonville this week, but his 16 points couldn’t help anyone from the bench.
Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Hamstring injuries are tough to put in the rear-view mirror, and Will Fuller V may have suffered a setback with his. This would be bad for him and especially painful for the Houston Texans offense, as Fuller has scored in each of his games since he returned in Week 2. Lamar Miller is “banged up” and Questionable, but we’ll have to see the severity of his situation over the next couple days.
Joski’s Yoskis pulls off the Monday Night Football victory and rises to 3-1.
The Brice is Right falls to 2-2.
Slap and Pickle vs Deep State Dynamos
Russell “Nanobubbles” Wilson delivered 8 fantasy points to Deep State Dynamos. Never trust a Seahawk.
Jared Cook left 27 points on the bench for Slap and Pickle, who evidently fell into a well shortly after the draft. Helloooo? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me…is there anyone home?
“Aaron Jones, baby!” Pick of the Week:
Kudos to Deep State Dynamos for grabbing Aaron Jones in the draft and patiently stashing him until his suspension was served. Jones had some promising runs in the game against Washington, but he definitely showed what he has to offer in the Buffalo game. A three headed monster at RB can be nice for a coach, but it’s frustrating for fantasy purposes. I’m hoping for a game where Jones puts the team on his back and goes off. We shall see…
Slap and Pickle ghosts his way to 2-2.
The Deep State Dynamos drop to 1-3. Maybe he’s watching the Brewers instead.
Wookiee Samurai vs You’ve Been SACed
You’ve Been SACed takes the cake this week for relying on Garett Celek (You know Brent retired, right?) at tight end and leaving her Injured Reserve Kicker Mike Nugent on her roster. At least this week, I’m not giving her shit for Duke Johnson Jr, who somehow found pay dirt with two 2 point conversions. I wouldn’t count on that being an every week occurrence, however.
While Wookiee Samurai‘s bench did rack up the points this week, it was difficult to predict that either James White or Corey Davis would blow up like that. Along the same line, You’ve Been SACed gets a pass for not predicting a record setting game from Mitch Trubisky.
“Go off, Goff” Pick of the Week:
Jared Goff slung 5 TDs with 0 INTs against the Minnesota Vikings on his way to delivering 39 points for You’ve Been SACed. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to play the Rams right now. 4-0 and not showing any major weaknesses that I can see. Thoughts?
Wookiee Samurai guards our rear at 0-4.
You’ve Been SACed moves to 3-1. Is this real life??
Tunnel Snakes vs Waterboys
Waterboys trusted Dalvin Cook this week more than the Vikings did, as they used him on a snap count and kept him to 2 points. Waterboys also missed the short notice on Chris Carson, who didn’t play this week. For the Tunnel Snakes squad, James Conner couldn’t contribute much on Sunday night. The Ravens started strong, forcing the Steelers to go pass happy trying to catch up.
We’re good boys and good boys don’t make it into this section!
Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
I lost O.J. Howard to a MCL sprain, once again showing I am doomed to play Tight End Roulette for the rest of the season. Please take me back, David Njoku.
“Calvinball” Pick of the Week:
Calvin Ridley’s 2 TD game against the Bengals makes him the first rookie receiver in NFL history to catch 6 TDs in his first 4 games. Not bad for a waiver wire pickup in many fantasy leagues this season! I got the tip to take him this year in a bar, which I can only assume means I should keep hanging out in them.
You cannot stop Cooper Kupp (32 points), you can only hope to contain him. Tunnel Snakes rule their way to 2-2.
Waterboys drip down to 2-2.
Week 4 is in the books, baby bye bye bye.