Week 7 Stories:

• The Dallas Cowboys parted with a 1st round pick for struggling WR Amari Cooper. Raiders now have three 1st round picks in 2019 (Dallas for Cooper, Chicago for Khalil Mack, and the Raiders own pick). We’re watching you, Gruden…
• The Browns made a move of their own, sending RB Carlos Hyde to Jacksonville in exchange for a 5th round pick. Leonard Fournette is not expected back from his hamstring injury anytime soon, and Jamaal Charles has been cut as a result of the trade. 
• With their win over the Eagles, the Carolina Panthers became the 9th team in NFL history to come back by a deficit of at least 17 points while being shut out through 3 quarters. 
• Marshawn Lynch is headed to IR with a “core muscle injury.”
• Despite a benching in favor of Cody Kessler, word is Blake Bortles will continue as starter…though possibly with a short leash. It feels as if that great Bortles performance against the Patriots was a lifetime ago instead of just a few weeks.
• Drew Brees threw his 501st touchdown against the Ravens, while Baltimore’s Lamar Jackson scored his first career touchdown as well. 
• Derek Carr is allegedly in danger of losing the locker room for….crying after an injury? Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else these days.  

 

The Match-Ups

 

Waterboys v Bligh’s Gonna Cry

Painful Start:
Peyton Barber failed to deliver on his projected 10 points for Waterboys. Meanwhile, Keke Coutee served up a brutal 0.80 for Bligh’s Gonna Cry. 

Brutal Benching:
Being the loyal Eagles fan he is, Bligh’s Gonna Cry stuck with Wendell Smallwood over Detroit’s LeGarrette Blount this week.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Peyton Barber suffered a not-yet-disclosed injury in the 3rd quarter and left the game. It’s believed to be his ankle, but we’ll find out more later. Keke Coutee suffered a hamstring injury and left his game as well. He is expected to miss at least Week 8. Marshawn Lynch is presumably done for the year with a core muscle injury, as mentioned earlier.

“OBJ Meltdown Watch” Pick of the Week:
Well, we can’t say he didn’t contribute this week but I have no doubt the losses are weighing on him. Giants are now 1-6…

Result:
Waterboys rises to 4-3.
Bligh’s Gonna Cry ends his streak at 3 and falls to 3-4.

 

Nyet Russian Bots v Assume the Position

Painful Start:
Nyet Russian Bots trusted the Jets defense a bit too much against the Vikings this week, getting -3 points on the board.

Assume the Position missed the early news from London that Melvin Gordon would be inactive with a hamstring injury. But let’s be real, he stopped looking at his lineup a while ago…

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Miami’s Albert Wilson suffered a hip injury that could prove to be season ending. While he hasn’t been consistent as a fantasy resource, he is definitely capable of explosive plays on the field so Miami’s offense is taking a hit here.

“CHUBs: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground…Ballers?” Pick of the Week:
With Carlos Hyde a Jaguar now, Nick Chubb has his chance to take over the Cleveland backfield. Assume the Position left Chubb in from last week counted on this and rolled with Chubb against the Buccaneers.

Result:
Nyet Russian Bots continues his reign of terror and moves to 6-1.
Assume the Position idles to 1-6.

 

Wookiee Samurai v Deep State Dynamos

Painful Start:
Corey Davis turned in another dismal performance this week for Wookiee Samurai. The Titans offense is just bad, man. Except for occasionally Dion Lewis. Deep State Dynamos got a bad performance from David Johnson (expected) and Kenny Golladay (*record scratch*)?? Golladay has been killing my fantasy shares in Marvin Jones this season and this week apparently everyone sucked against the Dolphins.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Adam Vinatieri has been kicking with a groin injury for the Deep State Dynamos and it apparently got worse during Week 7’s game.

“There is no Dana, there is only Zuul…and James White” Pick of the Week:
With Sony Michel potentially missing some time with a knee injury, it’s going to be a lot of James White for the Patriots. Including this week’s 25 point performance for Wookiee Samurai.

Result:
Wookiee Samurai snags his first win and reaches 1-6.
Deep State Dynamos short circuit and drop to 3-4.

 

Slap and Pickle v The Brice is Right

Painful Start:
Slap and Pickle’s team is sort of like the movie 300 where everyone ends up being slaughtered. At least Leonidas’s Spartans showed up for the battle, though. This week The Brice is Right was let down again by Jacksonville’s Keelan Cole. Honestly, I’m not sure there are many trustworthy Jaguars these days. We’ll see if Carlos Hyde can make an impact.  

Brutal Benching:
Personally, I would have started John Brown against the Saints in what looked like a potential shootout. But then, I’m a good boy whom checks his lineup every week.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Sony Michel checked out early with a knee injury but appears to have dodged any major damage. Blake Bortles came down with a case of suck. Danny Amendola may be one of the healthiest Dolphins receivers left, and even he is Questionable. 

Stroke of Genius?:
Denver’s defense hasn’t done much this season but a match-up against Arizona was just what the doctor ordered for The Brice is Right. Hellloooo, 32 easy points. 

“Can Anything Stop Todd Gurley (or the Rams)?” Pick of the Week:
Double digit fantasy performances in every game this season and the Rams are 7-0. How many people picked Le’Veon Bell over Gurley this year and are kicking themselves now? In a couple leagues, I sure am. 

Result:
The Brice is Right delivers the beat-down of the week and moves to 4-3.
If Slap and Pickle drops to 3-4 in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still count? Yes, yes it does. 

 

Ninja Bitsy v You’ve Been SACed

Painful Start:
LeSean McCoy took a hit to the head and left the game early, only having enough time to get 0.10 for Ninja Bitsy. Adding to that with a dismal performance by Ezekiel Elliott and a -2 from the Bills defense, it was a rough week all-around for her squad.

You’ve Been SACed, you know what you did.

Brutal Benching:
Tough to bench someone when they’re on a scoring tear, but that’s what You’ve Been SACed appears to be doing with Mitchell Trubisky. She also still has 3 QBs for some reason.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
On the Ninja Bitsy side of the ball, Bilal Powell is headed to IR with a neck injury. Kenny Stills will miss some time due to a groin mishap. In You’ve Been SACed news, I’m pretty sure her kicker is dead and has been dead for weeks.

“WTF Jacksonville” Pick of the Week:
From last season’s AFC championship game to this season’s 3-4 record, what is going on over there?! Bortles sucks (well duh) and the defense hasn’t exactly been dominant (more surprising). Still time to turn things around, but a head-scratcher indeed.

Result:
You’ve Been SACed cobbles together her 4th win and reaches 4-3.
Ninja Bitsy takes the L but it still staying strong at 5-2.

 

Dave’s Dandy Team v Fly Eagles Fly

Painful Start:
Matt Breida re-aggravated his ankle injury and left during the first half. Between that and his fumble, Fly Eagles Fly only snagged -.50 points from him this week. Dave’s Dandy Team started some guy named Nick O’Leary at Tight End but he only delivered 3 points.

Brutal Benching:
Dave’s Dandy Team could have used Sterling Shepard’s 19 points this week. It’s so hard to count on the Giants, though.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
One of the knocks on Breida is his size and doubts that he can hold up as a feature running back. The ankle injury definitely isn’t helping and their Bye Week is still a few weeks away. Rob Gronkowski missed the game against the Bears due to back spasms. Randall Cobb and Leonard Fournette are still dealing with their respective hamstring injuries.

“Welcome Back, Josh Gordon” Pick of the Week:
Happy to see Josh Gordon getting play time and having a positive contribution to his team. Hopefully his issues are in the past, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Result:
Fly Eagles Fly never say die and are at a cool 4-3.
Dave’s Dandy Team drops to a disturbing and dreaded 3-4.

 

Tunnel Snakes v Joski’s Yoskis

Painful Start:
It looks like I relied on Andy Dalton a bit too long. His 8 point offering to the Tunnel Snakes was rejected by the football gods and he must feel shame. Corey Clement let me down as well with only 3 measly points. Meanwhile, Dede Westbrook delivered yet another clunker for Joski’s Yoskis.

Brutal Benching:
In typical Tunnel Snakes fashion, I bench Dion Lewis and he has a great fantasy day. Joski’s Yoskis, Phillip Lindsay says he’s sorry for punching that one dude, it will never happen again, and that it’s safe to start him again. 

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Cooper Kupp is still dealing with his knee injury. Chris Thompson is still banged up and not playing. Royce Freeman injured his ankle and Devonta Freeman is on IR. We’re all falling apart!

Stroke of Genius?:
Desperation forced me to start Marlon Mack and I will definitely not complain about his 30 point day against the Bills.  Yes, I nominated myself for Stroke of Genius. It’s my page and no one reads this anyway.

“Greg Zuerlein is a Final Fantasy Ass Name” Pick of the Week:
Welcome back to Greg, who resumed his kicking duties this week and put up 13 points for Joski’s Yoskis.

Result:
Tunnel Snakes….slither their way to a 4-3 record!
Joski’s Yoskis almost completes the MNF comeback but falls to 4-3.