In the words of Mike Ness, “Sorry about the delay, man.” Missed an AoA update or two due to life and vacation. There was joy, there was fun. There was moonshine. There was an unexpected stowaway in the form of former Vice President Joe Biden. But we’re back now and ready to go for the one person who reads this. We will never be distracted by anything ever again. Ooh, Fallout 76 is out…

 

 

And away we go:

Week 11 Stories:

• Le’Veon Bell didn’t do the thing he was supposed to do by the time he was supposed to do it, so his 2018 season is over. I’m glad we had to talk about it for 11 weeks first. Not sure how his gamble will affect his 2019 season but, hey, at least he didn’t get injured. 
• Alex Smith broke two bones in his leg in an identical injury to Joe Thiesmann’s 33 years earlier. Smith will require surgery and his season in Washington is over. Now that Washington has a hole at QB, time to get on the phones and bring in a man who’s been waiting for his shot for a long time. That’s right, I’m talking about….Mark Sanchez.
• Rookie QB Lamar Jackson made his first start for the Ravens and racked up 117 rushing yards against the Bengals. His passing game was a bit meh (150yds, 1 INT) but Baltimore pulled out the W. 
• Assume the Position is on record as predicting a Saints Super Bowl victory. I can certainly see that happening, but there are some other strong contenders out there also. Mostly I just included this here so I can laugh at him if he’s wrong. 
• I hate losing to Seattle. I really hate it. Not even a division rival but there are plenty of botched opportunities I can look back on (The Fail Mary game, the NFC Championship game, this week’s suck-fest…). Plus Pete Carroll is a douchebag. He just is. The Packers most recent loss has sparked another series of “there is a feud between Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy” articles. At this point just fire the man and get it over with already. Don’t wait for the inevitable 1 or 2 wins at the end of the season that convince you to keep him around for another couple of years. Rodgers ain’t getting any younger.
• Rant over. Sorry. 
• Together, the Rams and Chiefs scored 105 points on MNF, 3rd most in league history. It was also the first ever game where both teams had at least 50 points. More importantly, I had to go back and re-write this recap after the game. So thanks a lot, assholes. 

The Match-Ups

Nyet Russian Bots  v Bligh’s Gonna Cry

Painful Start:
Nyet Russian Bots with an impressive 0.50 points from Dalvin Cook!

“Dick” Pick of the Week:
Nyet Russian Bots picked up Lamar Jackson and then didn’t even use him.  Boo this man! Sure, his other option was Patrick Mahomes. Details, details. 

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Bligh’s Gonna Cry started Jimmy Graham this week, but unfortunately he broke his thumb. It is undetermined whether or not he’ll be able to play through it or not. I would guess he misses some time. Damn, now I really am gonna cry.

Result:
Nyet Russian Bots squeaks by with narrow victory and hits 9-2.
Bligh’s Gonna Cry puts together a strong performance but falls to 5-6.

 

Assume the Position v You’ve Been SACed

 

Painful Start:
Well, hell, you had 5 players on Bye between the both of you. Sit over there in the corner and be wrong and feel bad. 

“The IR Spot is There for a Reason” Pick of the Week:
Seriously. Use them. It’s a wide open spot that will let you pick up another player! It’s free! Just what is the matter with you?!

Result:
You’ve Been SACed somehow pulls out another victory and reaches 6-5.
Assume the Position pulls a Trent Reznor and continues his Downward Spiral to 2-9.

 

Dave’s Dandy Team v Waterboys

Painful Start:
The normally trustworthy Carson Wentz was shut down by the Saints and only managed to contribute 3 points to Dave’s Dandy Team. At least he gets the Giants next week…

As for Waterboys, Eric Ebron went from scoring 3 touchdowns last week to scoring 0 points this week. On a day where Luck was really spreading the ball around, too. So it goes.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Doug Martin injured his ankle. Kerryon Johnson has a sprained knee and is expected to miss several games. 

“Mark Ingram Returns” Pick of the Week:
Well, to anyone who thought Mark Ingram might be out of a job once he returned from suspension, I think the Saints offense has proven both he and Alvin Kamara can share time effectively. Combined with Drew Brees and Michael Thomas, that’s a scary team. 

Result:
Dave’s Dandy Team drops to 5-6.
Waterboys float on to 6-5.

 

Fly Eagles Fly v Deep State Dynamos

 

Painful Start:
Fly Eagles Fly received disappointing performances from both Latavius Murray and Ben Watson. Life is a shit sandwich, he’s just eating his share this week. 

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
We mentioned the Alex Smith injury already, but that receives the CLMIA this week anyway. I’ve been told to avoid watching the replay, but if you’re into that sort of thing I’m sure you can find it online. You sicko. 

“Remember Ty Montgomery” Pick of the Week:
Remember him? Man, talk about a guy who fell off the face of the Earth after being traded. Anyway, whatcha got there? Big Gulps? Allright! Well, see ya later.

Result:
Fly Eagles Fly loses a bit of altitude but is hanging in there at 7-4.
Deep State Dynamos hit 88mph, make their parents fall in love, and reach 5-6.

 

Joski’s Yoskis v Wookiee Samurai

Painful Start:
It was a rough week for the Wookiee, whose players all failed to meet their projected numbers. Except for Aaron Rodgers and, oddly enough, Jordan Reed. 

For Joski’s Yoskis, Amari Cooper had a rough time in his game with the Cowboys, delivering only 5 fantasy points. Hey, on a offense with Ezekiel Elliott, sometimes you’re just not going to get the ball. 

“Please let me Stop Talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick” Pick of the Week:
That’s right, your boy threw 3 interceptions and was benched, again, for Jameis Winston. Who’s to say we’ve seen the last of the Harvard Beard? There will come a day when I no longer post this image. Today is not that day.

Result:
Joski’s Yoskis give thanks for a 7-4 record.
Wookiee Samurai gets carved down to 4-7.

Ninja Bitsy v The Brice is Right

 

Painful Start:
I heard a rumor on the internet that Jordy Nelson had decided to retire mid-season. I’m guessing that wasn’t accurate, but he missed Week 11 anyway due to injury. Michael Crabtree, Zach Ertz, and Sammy Watkins all delivered clunkers as well. 

Brutal Benching:
Ezekiel Elliott again? 

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
Marcus Mariota suffered a stinger, leaving the game and letting Blaine Gabbert do his thing. His horrible, horrible thing.

Result:
Ninja Bitsy loses the Spouse Bowl and drops to 6-5.
The Brice is Right will be sleeping on the couch but makes it to 6-5.

 

Tunnel Snakes v Slap and Pickle

Let’s just get it out of the way now. Yes, I lost to the guy with 0 starting running backs and no defense. The guy I have been making fun of all season. I will have to make my peace with that in the years to come. 

Painful Start:
Calvin Ridley cooled off pretty quickly, eh? James Conner couldn’t really get going against the Jaguars, and there wasn’t room for MVS with Davante Adams and Aaron Jones both going off. These are the times that try men’s souls. This is the winter of our discontent. This…is CNN.

Brutal Benching:
Indianapolis defense would have gotten me over the top this week. I will not be taking questions at this time. As a matter of fact, hand over your press credentials. You’re being very unfair. Nasty.

Captain Lance Murdock Injury Award:
O.J. Howard injured his ankle on the final drive of the game and landed on IR. Marvin Jones, Jr missed this week’s tussle with the Panthers due to a knee injury.

Result:
Tunnel Snakes slither their way to 5-6.
Slap and Pickle is dumb and I hate him wins to reach 3-8.

 

 

Anyway, yay we’re back. Try not to get too excited. The hunt for the playoffs begins!